The notion of a mother harboring hatred for her daughter may seem unfathomable, yet it is a reality for many.

Why are we discussing something that feels so outside the norm? Or is it more common than we think?

Traditionally, women are viewed as nurturers and caregivers. However, countless daughters have not received the love and support they rightfully deserve from their mothers. The absence of maternal connection is a painful truth for many, forcing them to navigate life while grappling with emotional scars inflicted by their mothers. For some, the painful realization that their mothers harbor resentment can be an enduring source of suffering.

The Bible alludes to the idea of a mother forgetting her own child, suggesting that abandonment and rejection are not just theoretical but real possibilities. This is a harsh reality to confront, yet it is undeniably true.

For some daughters, this rejection is subtle but pervasive. A mother may fulfill her duties—cooking, cleaning, and providing—but still lack the warmth and affection necessary for a healthy bond. Children instinctively know whether they are loved, often through the nuances of their mother’s interactions.

What leads a mother to feel animosity towards her daughter? Who bears the responsibility for mending this fractured connection? In various cultures, daughters are often encouraged to forgive and care for their mothers, especially in their later years.

Consider the daughter who is acutely aware of her mother’s disdain. This awareness is not a vague feeling; it’s a palpable truth. She doesn’t need to hear it from others; her mother’s lack of affection is a well-documented reality that has never been hidden.

Children instinctively seek connection with those they yearn to bond with. This pursuit can manifest in different ways, from a baby’s cries to a teenager’s rebellion or a young adult’s attempts to please. All these behaviors are efforts to gain affection and approval from a mother who may be emotionally unavailable.

Take Jane, for example. She battled depression for years but felt unable to seek help until after her mother’s passing. The weight of her emotions intensified at that time, leaving her grappling with guilt for not being able to mourn. She witnessed her own struggles mirrored in her youngest child, feeling powerless to break the cycle of pain that seemed to persist.

Despite Jane’s efforts to change her circumstances, she found herself trapped in a cycle of depression and despair. The legacy of her mother’s emotional neglect left her feeling devoid of self-worth and connection. Jane’s attempts to care for her mother in her final days did not improve their relationship; the absence of love remained unyielding.

Not all mothers vocalize their hatred, but it can be felt in the silences, the dismissive tones, and the lack of effort to connect. Children often sense when affection is withheld, and they internalize these feelings, even if they cannot articulate them.

When Jane’s boyfriend proposed, she accepted, viewing marriage as a means of escape from a home devoid of love. Yet, years of strained holidays and family gatherings left her longing for a connection that never materialized. Despite her dutiful efforts, she remained unable to earn her mother’s affection.

The impact of this lack of maternal love was profound, leading to a deep-seated sense of emptiness following her mother’s death. Jane was left with unresolved grief and a history of self-hatred, compounded by her mother’s inability to offer validation and support.

It’s crucial for daughters in these situations to recognize that their mother’s hatred is not a reflection of their worth. A mother who lacks self-awareness may inadvertently pass her pain onto her daughter, perpetuating a cycle of generational trauma.

Here are three key considerations to reflect on regarding your relationship with your mother:

Heal Self-Hatred: Understand that your struggles with self-acceptance likely stem from prolonged exposure to your mother’s negativity. Acknowledging the source of your emotional pain is essential for healing. It might require grieving the loss of a nurturing bond and redefining your self-image. Remember, your mother’s inability to connect does not determine your worthiness of love.

Seek Connection: Opportunities for genuine connection exist all around you. Despite the narratives of unworthiness you might carry, be assured that you deserve safe and authentic relationships. Identify individuals who have shown you kindness and care in the past, and use those memories as anchors in times of doubt.

Challenge Self-Blame: As an adult daughter, you may feel compelled to maintain a relationship with your mother, often believing you should do more to foster that bond. When your efforts are met with indifference or rejection, old feelings of depression and self-loathing can resurface. Recognize that your worth is not contingent upon your mother’s approval.

Navigating the complexities of a strained mother-daughter relationship can be daunting, but embracing these insights can pave the way for healing and self-discovery.